“Flying First Class”
Why arriving 20 feet ahead of everybody else makes sense.
• You get on first. This way you are able to evaluate all of your fellow passengers as they pass by, thus reassuring yourself that there aren’t any terrorists on board. And you can confirm that no one dresses up to fly anymore. If you bore easily, you can count how many passengers are wearing sweat pants.
• You get off first. This means you have an actual valid reason to hurriedly stand up as soon as the plane stops at the gate.
• You get your baggage first. This is theoretical. Some baggage handlers do not respect your “First Class Priority” tag. In that case, you can interpret waiting for your bags as the transition stage of returning to your Economy Class life style.
• You get free food. You will get something that might very well be edible, and a few glasses of unknown wine. “Free” is loosely defined here, since you paid about 50% more for your ticket than passengers who don’t get food.
• You get your own bathroom. Words cannot describe the value of knowing that you can see an empty toilet waiting for you to use. Of course you do have to share it with the pilots. Which can be terrifying. Because it reminds you that they are human, and humans make mistakes. Especially if they’re distracted by having bad indigestion.
• You get a ratio of 12 passengers (or less) to 1 attendant. Watching them so closely makes you realize that these people are actually waiters and waitresses trying to run a very bad tiny restaurant in which the food is not their fault – so it does no good to complain because, as you can clearly see, there is no chef in the kitchen.
• You get to hear what is happening in the attendants’ lives. Though trained, they all somehow forget that their conversations can be heard for at least three rows. But, whatever they’re talking about, it beats watching “free” reruns of Friends.
• You get a better chance to be seated next to a famous person. Most of these people will try to look unfamous because they don’t want to have a four hour conversation with a seat mate who thinks they know who they are. At times, these people may seem to be in severe abdominal pain because, unlike all other passengers, even when the plane’s engines rev, they can’t let themselves fart. Because – you know who they are.
• You get more room for your legs, butt, and back. In other words, you get to sit in a normal chair.
Rick Doehring
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